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United We Stand
INT. WOLF NEWS CHANNEL
-- EVENING
Sean Calamity of WNC
(Wolf News Channel) is hosting the Calamity and Gnome show. He is set to interview
himself.
SEAN
CALAMITY
Evening folks, The Gnome
is off today, probably off aborting a lesbian love child. I am here, with myself, to
ask myself questions, just cutting to the chase today. New poll out yesterday what
do you think about that Sean?
Camera switches and Sean
turns to it.
SEAN
CALAMITY
It is a testament to
this president's brilliance at what he has been able to
accomplish. He has
taken an evenly divided nation and now we have a 66% consensus. Not just that but the
troops, who I love and adore and would make sweet passionate... are
at a 72% consensus.
Masterful job by the president.
Camera switches and Sean
turns to it.
SEAN
CALAMITY
What do you think of his
trip to India?
Camera switches to a
split screen.
SEAN
CALAMITY
Again, brilliant, he is
a genius. They are also
at a consensus all over the world. In India they have been
gathering all around the country while the president is there, and
some of those are Buddhists and they're hard to rile up, so it is
impressive. If this
current little skirmish over in Iraq
becomes a Civil War, then those consensus numbers are going to shoot
through the roof. The
President, when it is all said and done, may be the greatest Uniter
that we have or ever will see.
Great Man.
SEAN
CALAMITY
Getting to the Vice
President. What's the
fuss about?
SEAN
CALAMITY
I have no idea. Look, a man comes out of the
underbrush armed, and with blood on his hands, in that circumstance
you have to shoot first Sean.
We now know it was birds blood, but you don't have that kind
of time post 9/11.
SEAN
CALAMITY
What about the drinking
rumors?
SEAN
CALAMITY
I rest easier knowing
that our Vice President can hit his target no matter what. Besides, Whittington
apologized for lurking in the brush and getting shot in the face, it
is a dead issue.
SEAN
CALAMITY
What about the delay in
reporting it?
SEAN
CALAMITY
Do you want the
terrorists to know how the VP defends himself? I don't.
SEAN
CALAMITY
The Port
Scandal?
SEAN
CALAMITY
What scandal? The President says it is OK,
then it is. What I
don't understand is how can the American people eat up sound bites
like Terrorist Surveillance Program, Torture of Terror Suspects,
Iraq/War on Terror and be so misinformed with Arab Port
Security? It makes no
sense Sean.
SEAN
CALAMITY
Are you
retarded?
SEAN
CALAMITY
Yes.
SEAN
CALAMITY
What are the big stories
coming up this week?
SEAN
CALAMITY
A lot of big and
important stories. The
War on Easter is really heating up. Also Ms. Clinton may be the
democratic nominee for president in two and a half years so we will
cover how diabolical and mean that she is. President Bush will have a
surprise photo op, er visit to the troops somewhere, which will
be great. And Gay
people are ruining America.
SEAN
CALAMITY
Sounds great, thanks
Sean.
SEAN
CALAMITY
Thank you
Sean.
White Hawk
Down
INT. WNC NEWS
ROOM
Karlton K. Kensington is
an anchor for the Wolf News Channel a leader in the 24 hours News
Network battles.
Karlton is standing with blank papers looking important in
his hand while on his left is a live shot of a car chase. We are joining in the
broadcast late.
KARLTON
And you see the police
can't stop this crazed lunatic, he's a madman that they must stop,
(he holds his finger to
his ear listening to his producer)
Oh, my god, really? OK. Roll
it.
Across the screen
flashes three separate graphics bearing the headline Breaking News,
WNC Exclusive.
KARLTON
Ladies and gentlemen, I
have breaking and disturbing news at this hour. It appears that, I'm sorry
this is difficult,
(he gathers
himself)
But it appears that a
white woman is missing.
More graphics, and
duh-duh-duh music with White Woman Missing taking up the bottom
quarter of the screen.
KARLTON
The details, exclusive
details I have are that the woman, Jessica Ray, is missing. I go to our White Woman
Missing correspondent, Mandy Candace. Welcome,
Mandy.
Mandy Candace is not a
qualified journalist, but she looks good in a business suit, but not
too good.
MANDY
Thank you
Karlton.
KARLTON
What do we
know?
MANDY
Jessica is missing. She has been missing for
thirty seven minutes now.
KARLTON
Oh my God. Is it too
late?
MANDY
The family is holding
out hope, but as you know, these things tend to not end
well.
KARLTON
More importantly Mandy,
Jessica, do we have pictures of her? Preferably in a cheerleading
outfit, smiling, so that we can show, to the viewers who to be on
the lookout for?
MANDY
We do
Karlton
(full screen photo of
Jessica appears)
As you can see, Jessica
is a stunning woman, blonde hair, curls, and a stunning smile in
this high school yearbook photo. In this other picture,
Jessica is the one on the top of the Cheerleader pyramid. Jessica is an all-American
girl. An All-American
White Woman Karlton.
KARLTON
Yes, she is, wow. Quite a beautiful young
woman. Can I get some
water?
(takes a
sip)
So, she's been missing
38 minutes now
(a counter appears on
the bottom right of the screen 38)
What happened Mandy, why
is this All-American white woman missing?
MANDY
The details are lacking
at this time, but about thirty-eight minutes ago she disappeared and
the last person to see her was her husband, Bubba Ray who reported
that she was abducted by illegal Mexican
immigrants.
KARLTON
Oh, my God Mandy, that's
incredible. Are you
sure they weren't black?
MANDY
I believe he was clear
that it was a couple of Mexicans.
KARLTON
Do we know their
identity, anything?
MANDY
No.
KARLTON
Let's put up that
graphic, so that we can see what a couple of Mexicans look
like.
(A picture of Cheech and
Chong appears)
OK folks, this is a
rough sketch of the abductors, they will look something like this,
like these Mexicans.
MANDY
That's right Karlton, if
you see a man matching the description of a Mexican, please notify
the authorities, for Jessica's sake.
KARLTON
For Jessica's sake, oh
yes, for Jessica's sake.
Commercial.
Duh-duh-duh.
KARLTON
And we are back, it's
forty minutes since Jessica was abducted by some Mexicans, any
updates Mandy?
MANDY
We have the husband via
Satellite.
KARLTON
Let's go to him. Bubba
Ray?
Bubba Ray is wearing a
torn SKOAL baseball hat, and a red flannel shirt with the sleeves
torn off, a t-shirt with red spots on it, and scratches on his face
and neck.
BUBBA
RAY
Yes,
sir.
KARLTON
This must be a trying
time, for your beautiful white wife to be missing, I can't
imagine.
BUBBA
RAY
It's been tough. I loved
Jessica.
KARLTON
Are you sure the
abductors were Mexican and not black?
BUBBA
RAY
I don't know, I was at
the tractor pull, way away, on the other side of town, and I don't
know who took her or where she is, I guess it was probably Mexicans,
but they could be black.
Duh-duh-duh. Graphic 'Abductors Could Be
Black'.
KARLTON
A stunning
revelation. They could
be black. Figures. Does anyone know where
Marcus Vick is tonight?
Bubba, I hear that you are a born-again Christian after a
rough stretch in which you robbed a bank and shot a security guard,
is that correct?
BUBBA
RAY
Ya.
KARLTON
I'd like to congratulate
you on getting your life back together Bubba, you are a true
American hero.
BUBBA
RAY
Thank you?
KARLTON
Mandy if I can get back
to you for a moment.
Why are the white women being stolen from
us?
MANDY
I have no idea Karlton,
but they are being stolen.
KARLTON
Do you think this is
Terrorism? White women
missing is terrifying, that's terrorism isn't
it?
MANDY
Can't
disagree.
KARLTON
You heard it here first
ladies and Gentleman, Osama Bin Laden is using Mexicans and black
"gangstas" to steal our white women. We'll be right
back.
Commercial.
Duh-duh-duh.
KARLTON
It's twenty eight past
the hour, we're forty-five minutes into Jessica's Ordeal, here's the
Headlines.
(in almost a
whisper)
Half of Congress could
be indicted, there is a civil war in Iraq, Bush could be
listening to your phone calls, and Dick Cheney has eaten three small
boys. We will not cover
those stories until it is too late,
(back to full
volume)
There is a White Woman
missing folks. On to
the days top story.
Jessica is still missing, but we are not giving up hope, we
will not give up on our white cheerleaders. We will cover this story as
long as it takes.
Mandy, is Jessica dead?
MANDY
I don't want to
speculate Karlton.
KARLTON
From Modesto to Aruba, White Women are missing. As a White Woman are you
worried that you could be next?
MANDY
Absolutely, this is an
epidemic.
KARLTON
A terrorist epidemic of
White Women missing, I'm terrified. My wife, she wasn't a
cheerleader but she was on the pep squad, does that increase the
likelihood of an attack?
MANDY
That can't be verified
at this time Karlton.
KARLTON
(directly into the
camera)
Run honey bumpkins,
run. Their coming to
steal you, get all the white women to a safe place where the
Mexicans and the Gangstas can't find you. Go to the library bumpkins,
run, run.
Across the bottom of the
screen scrolls, 'All White Women Meet at Your Local Library and
Await Further Instructions'.
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